


I Can't Even Find the Word

by pyr0technic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drabble, F/M, cheek kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 19:30:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3867091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyr0technic/pseuds/pyr0technic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James couldn't even find his voice. That's right – Lily Evans had rendered him speechless; that damn cliché.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Even Find the Word

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spirited wind](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=spirited+wind).



> HELLO THERE JAMESLILY FANDOM. someday i hope to join you for good. this was written back in the day for a good friend of mind who was absolutely mad about these two. hope i did them some justice! just a random little fluffy thing. and slightly depressed!james.

James Potter was strutting down the hallway as if Lily Evans had just asked him to the Yule Ball.

And there was no way in hell nor heaven  _that_ had happened, so either something equally good happened (very unlikely) or shit had hit the fan. Most were willing to bet on the latter.

And it was true. James had failed Potions.

"James," Remus spoke up, lifting a tentative hand to place on his shoulder. "Maybe you should, er..." He trailed off, whatever words he was going to say having died in his throat.

Sirius pushed him aside took his place, now walking side by side with James. He did not intended to let him get away that easily.

"JAMES!" Sirius shouted, putting on his best glare as he faced him (James was looking straight ahead, not even sparing him a passing glance). "What the  _bloody hell_ do you think you're – oh, Merlin, I can't do this." Sirius bit his lip to stop the oncoming fits of laughter.

Remus glared at him. "The mothering role really isn't you, is it?"

"Well,  _duh_."

Peter silently and sympathetically shook his head as he trailed behind them. He went unnoticed. James continued to ignore the other three, even when they climbed through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor Common Room.

Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder, though James still refused to respond. "Listen, mate, we're going to hit the sack. If you don't want us around, I get it, but... seriously, tell us if you do."

He patted him one last time before motioning the other two to come upstairs with him. Remus glanced at him, a small smile blooming on his face at the approval of Sirius' mature handling of the situation. He was actually genuinely surprised at the boy's tact. Sirius noticed this and smirked.

"I know, I know, you  _love_ me let's save it for later shall we," Sirius drawled, slinging his arm across Remus' shoulder.

"Unbelievable," Remus retorted, smile vanishing as he shrugged him off.

Back down at the Common Room, James could be found sitting on a small cushion in front of the fireplace, hugging his knees and staring pensively ahead, round glasses reflecting the flames. He was cold, but the Common Room with all its gold and red patterned cushions was still cosy.

But cozy wasn't really enough. One by one, his failures began to sink in. Potions was a lost cause at this point. His Mum had been sending him one Howler after another, and the one today was particularly nasty. Granddad was dead. He felt like he couldn't even talk to the boys about how shitty he felt. And then there was... Lily.

It felt like all his problems were piling up on the other, compressing his mind and instigating a killing headache, squeezing unwanted tears from his eyes. Yes, because strutting down the hallway was obviously just an act – why the bloody hell couldn't Sirius tell? If they knew something was wrong, why didn't they ask? Didn't they know that... that James didn't like admitting that he... he lost?

He didn't want to admit how badly everything had gotten to him. For once, he felt like he was falling, and he would never be able to get back up.

Each toxic thought stabbed painfully at his chest, as he wondered what he was going to do with himself. He felt hot tears run down his face, bloodshot eyes looking into the flames if they had answers, and wondering if jumping into them would solve everything.

"James?"

Then, all thought came to a screeching hault.

He could recognize that honey-sweet firecracker voice anywhere. It pulled him out of the intense panic, if just for a moment, and he was glad for it.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

James didn't respond for a long time. He didn't really know the answer to that question. Well, sure, his family thought he was a disappointment and he had literally just  _failed a fucking class_ but that was just the tip of the iceberg. He didn't even know what to think of it all – since when had he felt so insecure about himself?

There was no point in voicing all that to  _Lily_ , however. He knew that she didn't  _really_ care, and that she'd probably walk away any minute now.

So that's why his heart nearly stopped when she sat down next to him, her knee just barely brushing his own. She assumed the same pose, hugging her knees as her eyes gazed straight into the same fire. When she repeated his name, James turned to look at her. In that moment, peridot met chocolate and James was  _really_ confused – why was she trying to comfort him? Why was she even  _here_?

"Listen, I... I'm fine. Really." As soon as James finished the sentence, Lily drew a sharp breath.

"No, you aren't, and you  _know_ that. I know about your failing Potions," Lily said, eyes glaring into the flames ahead once more. She didn't hesitate to tell the truth, and at least she wasn't planning on stringing him along. James smiled wryly at that.

And though she did not mean to hurt him, James could feel that pain in his heart again. That stabbing pain, the one that reminded him that he was a failure no matter what he did. And she knew that.

"That's not really the only thing on my mind, you know," James told, exhaling slowly afterwards. He still wondered at the back of his mind if she cared at all, and even coming his far was a huge mistake.

"I know that, too."

The response surprised him. James stayed silent for a couple of long moments, contemplating something. Then, he decided he was really fucking angry. Hell, this girl never gave him the slightest amount of attention when he  _wanted_ it, but now that he was vulnerable and pathetic and upset she decided to saddle up and offer him her  _sympathy_?

"You know what, this was a mistake. I don't want to talk about this," James said coldly. He stood up and glared at her. Why the hell he was glaring and snapping at the girl he was desperately in love with, he hadn't a clue. He wasn't really sure what was even going on right now. How was he supposed to deal with  _Lily_ now, of all times?

James started to take a step, but was thwarted by Lily grabbing his wrist.

"Okay,  _stop_. You think you're going to coax me into this, and make me go, 'Oh, Lily, I'll tell you everything!' and pour out all of my  _entirely fucking personal_ problems to you when you probably wouldn't understand  _or_ care, 'Brightest Witch of Her Age'?" James couldn't stop himself. Anger that wasn't supposed to come kept coming.

Lily frowned, the edges of her lips curving downwards. But James' attention was on her  _eyes_ , eyes that suddenly felt like she was seeing right through him.

Both hands grasped his shoulders.

"It's not working," James muttered bitterly under clenched teeth.

She hugged him, head leaning against his shoulder.

And this time, James' heart leaped despite himself.

"Oh, fuck me. This is fucked and you know it," James whined, trying not to give away how badly his hands were shaking at such proximity to her. "L-Look, th-this isn't going to..."

Lily pulled back, incredulous look in place at James' resistance. Then, with a sigh that seemed to imply she was probably going to regret this, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

_Ok, what the actual fuck._

He didn't say that, though. James couldn't even speak. He had lost his mind, and his voice, and possibly every other function in his body. He merely gaped helplessly at her smiling face, watching her retreat from him slowly.

"You don't need me to say 'you're strong, you'll' get through this but I will anyway. James, if you've got a problem,  _talk_ to someone about it. I know you don't want that person to be me, but I  _do_ care. Just because I won't go out with you... right now... doesn't mean I don't. Alright? Take care of yourself. I'll see you tomorrow." Lily nodded at him once, casually jogging her way up to the Girls' Dormitory.

He could only splutter as he watched her walk, trying to process everything she had said and... what the hell did she mean by 'right now?' Did he hear that right? Had Lily Evans just  _kissed_  him? Was life even real? This was probably a dream, right?

He was definitely going to kill himself it was a dream. Imagine waking up in the morning after all of this and having to deal with his shitty life without  _Lily Evans_. Hell, how had he even done it before?

He heard her laugh before she finally disappeared from sight. James shook his head disbelievingly, grinning even despite himself. All this time, Lily... Lily was... well, she was...

_Fin._


End file.
